Adoption Shockers, straight talk about adoption, q&a

Tag: Adoption

I was adopted and I am telling my story

  • Wanting a baby to save you is why some adoptions don’t work

    If only I had…

    You hear about teen pregnancy. You hear the debate about whether or not to let 14 year old girls have abortions without parental knowledge or consent. You think:

    Is the Universe messing with me?

    After all, here you are, beating down on middle age. Married. Financially set. And you can’t get pregnant. There have been advances in fertility, but none that help your situation. What a cruel jab from the Universe, stories about girls getting pregnant with ease, having abortions like a sneeze…where’s your baby. You don’t want to resent people who have what you want but you do. Secretly, without telling anyone, you hate the people living your dream. You hate those who reject your dream more intensely.

    You feel so empty. You believe a baby is the cure for what ails your spirit

    Secret thoughts of covetousness

    Then, at long last, after trying and failing to “have a baby of your own,” you accept the option that is the last resort. You adopt. You finally have what you always wanted—a baby to call your own.

    Why do you still feel empty when you have everything you want?

    You feel betrayed that the dream fulfilled did not meet expectations. The secret part of you, the truth teller who cannot speak out loud has a theory. This baby is not really what you wanted. If you could have had your wish you never would have taken in this child of strangers from bad circumstances. Never. No wonder you do not feel whole.

    The adopted child is blamed for not doing the job he never applied to do. As surely as having a baby to save a marriage does not work, taking in a child to substitute the one in your imagination ends badly far too often.

    Can you love someone who is not genetically related to you as much as someone who is your blood relative if you cannot love a strangers child equally then tell yourself the truth and don’t adopt just because so many other people can have babies doesn’t mean they should or you should and for all you know you might just be the lucky one although that is something else that is not said, but we will explore that issue in later posts, the issue of wishing there have been no children…

  • Why would I need to find my birth mother, you might ask

    How does a person lose her mother in such a way that this mother can be found again? It’s not like she died, so what’s the deal? The answer is: Adoption. My birth mother got lost through adoption. All I knew about adoption as a young child, before I understood that I had been adopted, was that when women were unable to take care of their babies, they could give the babies to people who were older and financially established. Why else would someone be unable to care for her baby unless she was a teenager? That was the situation with my adoptive sister when she was 14.

    In the hypothetical example, the hapless young mother would know before the baby is born that she must do something better for the child. While pregnant, the expectant mother, somehow, finds a representative who will pass her baby on to a willing couple after it’s born. The mother and the people who are going to take the baby never meet or know anything about each other besides the vague biographical information shared by the go-between. When the baby is born, the teenager says her tearful goodbyes after the birth and the baby is whisked away into a new life, cutting all ties with the past. The arrangements are all done in secret since her pregnancy was not a good thing for her, especially back in the day when “unwed mother” was an insult. Certainly the couple who can’t have their own children are not proud of their infertility.

    Often in life we wish we could pretend our preferred reality is real. With adoption, society is complicit in perpetuating alternative reality.

    Everyone pretends the adoption never happened and the prevailing belief is that the best course of action is to keep the myth alive. It helps that there is a literal breach between the family of origin and the adoptive family. No one is going to come along to present the truth.

    By the way, that story was not my story. The story of the teenage mother is true for many but, It turns out there are very many stories. These stories are the subject of this blog. That teen mom scenario was what I imagined had happened to my mother when I was a child. The reality was far from anything I could have imagined.

    In this blog, I will tell you how I found my mother through excerpts of my book, which will be available in series form in Amazon. Besides my life story told in chronological order, there’s much to be said about the myriad aspects of being an unwanted child. And I have a lot of insights from my life as an unwanted child for life. I bet you’d like you know how I navigated this world, including, but not limited to how I found my birth mother. did it. That’s what this blog will be about—what happened and how I felt about what happened.

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