For good or bad there are things about adoption that we never knew, even about our own adoptions. There are so many secrets about having children. There are even more secrets about obtaining them. This blog will give examples, AND publish excerpts of my book, tentatively named BIRTH MOTHER FOUND, and you can order the entire chapter on this blog or on various online platforms, and there will be links as s as they are established. I will also have links to social media and adoption sites.
If you want fascinating stories you’ve come you the right place!
Care to share? I’ll publish your tale.
Here’s an example of an adoption shocker:
When do I get over it? I’m tired of hurting?
Time foes not heal all wounds, heal as in, all gone. Time changes how we feel, but the case is never closed. Instead of closure let’s adopt metamorphosis as the goal. In truth, a person never gets over feeling like an orphan. But you learn to manage.
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have heard people talk about repeating the behavior of their parents, even against their will. Yes, they learned by example. But there are those who seem to believe that genes are destiny. We can only become what we already are, our future is immutable, an as yet unrealized potential coiled within like the seed of a poisonous weed.
Maybe we become what we see
Perhaps when we follow in the footsteps of those who came before United States we are literally following. We are watching where we are going and we are doing things that make sense. We marry a man like our father. But not because the guy is really like this but because we see all men this way. We fit people into the molds we have created for them, no matter how hard it is to make them conform. The world makes sense when we turn out exactly the way we expect.
Adoptees are free of negative specific expectations
We don’t have you feel like we are fated to become like our adoptive parents since there are attachments missing. We are not moored to their destiny. Without much knowledge about where we come from we do not gravitate towards certain disaster out of resignation or a misguided attempt to be closer you a parent by being like that parent. We are free to do anything. In a way it is good not to know whee you come from—you can’t get stuck there!
Do family curses exist? Yes, if you believe it
There’s no need to accept the belief system you’re handed by being part of a clan. There is an up side you everything. We adoptees have a head start on striking out on our own.
You hear about teen pregnancy. You hear the debate about whether or not to let 14 year old girls have abortions without parental knowledge or consent. You think:
Is the Universe messing with me?
After all, here you are, beating down on middle age. Married. Financially set. And you can’t get pregnant. There have been advances in fertility, but none that help your situation. What a cruel jab from the Universe, stories about girls getting pregnant with ease, having abortions like a sneeze…where’s your baby. You don’t want to resent people who have what you want but you do. Secretly, without telling anyone, you hate the people living your dream. You hate those who reject your dream more intensely.
You feel so empty. You believe a baby is the cure for what ails your spirit
Secret thoughts of covetousness
Then, at long last, after trying and failing to “have a baby of your own,” you accept the option that is the last resort. You adopt. You finally have what you always wanted—a baby to call your own.
Why do you still feel empty when you have everything you want?
You feel betrayed that the dream fulfilled did not meet expectations. The secret part of you, the truth teller who cannot speak out loud has a theory. This baby is not really what you wanted. If you could have had your wish you never would have taken in this child of strangers from bad circumstances. Never. No wonder you do not feel whole.
The adopted child is blamed for not doing the job he never applied to do. As surely as having a baby to save a marriage does not work, taking in a child to substitute the one in your imagination ends badly far too often.
Can you love someone who is not genetically related to you as much as someone who is your blood relative if you cannot love a strangers child equally then tell yourself the truth and don’t adopt just because so many other people can have babies doesn’t mean they should or you should and for all you know you might just be the lucky one although that is something else that is not said, but we will explore that issue in later posts, the issue of wishing there have been no children…
I did not realize the people I started life with had moved on without me because I did not want them to be able to go on without me. I reasoned that saying goodbye to someone forever was kind of like saying they didn’t care if I died. I wanted to be missed and I wanted my absence to have a profound impact. I think that is probably a normal wish. I did not have the maturity you wish for people to be happy without me. It never occurred to my teenage self that people could be sustained by the idea of me living somewhere out there happy and well. Doesn’t everyone want people to cry at their funeral? Actually, the answer to that is no. Not everyone wants people to cry at their funeral. There are people who want their lives celebrated and people to be happy at the memory of them. I was not in that enlighten group, although I like to think I’m better now. Decades have helped the painful process!
One of the reasons it is true that we choose our family is that we automatically have relationships with those we get along with. Just because people are related does not mean they will be close or have anything in common. The people in our hearts it’s almost as if we don’t have a choice who we allow in there. I would even go so far as to say that our family is not our choice because our hearts are open to those who appeal to us and care about us . The heart knows more than the mind can think.
Adoption Shockers, straight talk about adoption, q&a 