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For good or bad there are things about adoption that we never knew, even about our own adoptions. There are so many secrets about having children. There are even more secrets about obtaining them. This blog will give examples, AND publish excerpts of my book, tentatively named BIRTH MOTHER FOUND, and you can order the entire chapter on this blog or on various online platforms, and there will be links as s as they are established. I will also have links to social media and adoption sites.
If you want fascinating stories you’ve come you the right place!
Care to share? I’ll publish your tale.
Here’s an example of an adoption shocker:
When do I get over it? I’m tired of hurting?
There IS hope. Just not in the way we planned
You hear about teen pregnancy. You hear the debate about whether or not to let 14 year old girls have abortions without parental knowledge or consent. You think:
Is the Universe messing with me?
After all, here you are, beating down on middle age. Married. Financially set. And you can’t get pregnant. There have been advances in fertility, but none that help your situation. What a cruel jab from the Universe, stories about girls getting pregnant with ease, having abortions like a sneeze…where’s your baby. You don’t want to resent people who have what you want but you do. Secretly, without telling anyone, you hate the people living your dream. You hate those who reject your dream more intensely.
You feel so empty. You believe a baby is the cure for what ails your spirit
Secret thoughts of covetousness
Then, at long last, after trying and failing to “have a baby of your own,” you accept the option that is the last resort. You adopt. You finally have what you always wanted—a baby to call your own.
Why do you still feel empty when you have everything you want?
You feel betrayed that the dream fulfilled did not meet expectations. The secret part of you, the truth teller who cannot speak out loud has a theory. This baby is not really what you wanted. If you could have had your wish you never would have taken in this child of strangers from bad circumstances. Never. No wonder you do not feel whole.
The adopted child is blamed for not doing the job he never applied to do. As surely as having a baby to save a marriage does not work, taking in a child to substitute the one in your imagination ends badly far too often.
Can you love someone who is not genetically related to you as much as someone who is your blood relative if you cannot love a strangers child equally then tell yourself the truth and don’t adopt just because so many other people can have babies doesn’t mean they should or you should and for all you know you might just be the lucky one although that is something else that is not said, but we will explore that issue in later posts, the issue of wishing there have been no children…
I did not realize the people I started life with had moved on without me because I did not want them to be able to go on without me. I reasoned that saying goodbye to someone forever was kind of like saying they didn’t care if I died. I wanted to be missed and I wanted my absence to have a profound impact. I think that is probably a normal wish. I did not have the maturity you wish for people to be happy without me. It never occurred to my teenage self that people could be sustained by the idea of me living somewhere out there happy and well. Doesn’t everyone want people to cry at their funeral? Actually, the answer to that is no. Not everyone wants people to cry at their funeral. There are people who want their lives celebrated and people to be happy at the memory of them. I was not in that enlighten group, although I like to think I’m better now. Decades have helped the painful process!
Records Are Not Open
People have this idea that those of United States who were adopted can easily reunite with our birth families. Not true. You see, when someone is adopted, their original birth certificate is sealed or put under legal lock and key, and they issued this falsified birth certificate, where the birth mother is listed as the adoptive mother and the birth father is listed as the adopted father so a person who looks at this birth certificate, will think that the adopted parents are the birth parents of the child. The document is straight up falsified. The birthdate stays the same, but the parents are switched around. Seems to me there could be an adopted birth certificate, but then it wouldn’t be well. Kept secret. Adoption was always something of a secret. People are ashamed of having a child for lots and lots of reasons and not ashamed of not keeping a child so that’s two separate sources of shame Plus, those who couldn’t have children were ashamed of not being able to have children and of having to seek outside help, so nobody ever talked about it.
Now that people are talking about adoption there are misconceptions. The incorrect notion has risen that the records are open. They’re not sure, these people who think it’s so easy. Yes, there are some states where there’s some sort of registry and if you want, you as an adoptee, can get on the list, and the birth mother can get on the list. Somehow you can get united. I have to look into it, so I can speak intelligently and knowledgeably about the facts, which obviously I cannot do at this time.
But the point is, it’s not easy and it’s nothing definite. The luxury of knowing your mother’s name or the name that you were given at birth, is still unimaginable for a lot of us I got lucky when I found out who my mother was and I will get around telling you guys that story of how my story happened,
Now that I’m considerably older than I was when I found my birth mother, I wish I could’ve left it alone. I wish I could’ve just accepted that there were things I would never know about ,even if everyone else in the world knew those things about themselves. However, I could not accept that question mark In my mind where my personal history is supposed to be, so I pursued finding my birth mother through an extremely unlikely method, that I would not recommend today. I will tell you how difficult it was to find out the things that I found out. I remind myself that it is OK to cut myself some slack by remembering how difficult it was not to know who my mother was. How difficult it was not to know my original name Or, how difficult it was not to know how I came to be placed with the people who were supposed to be my family. It would help me to remember how desperate it felt. And empty.
I criticize myself for not leaving well enough alone. Yet I certainly had not been well enough. I know finding out the information was not thepath to wellness. I know even better that ignorance was really not the path wellness.
For an adoptee like me, life was nothing but a big void. 
How does a person lose her mother in such a way that this mother can be found again? It’s not like she died, so what’s the deal? The answer is: Adoption. My birth mother got lost through adoption. All I knew about adoption as a young child, before I understood that I had been adopted, was that when women were unable to take care of their babies, they could give the babies to people who were older and financially established. Why else would someone be unable to care for her baby unless she was a teenager? That was the situation with my adoptive sister when she was 14.
In the hypothetical example, the hapless young mother would know before the baby is born that she must do something better for the child. While pregnant, the expectant mother, somehow, finds a representative who will pass her baby on to a willing couple after it’s born. The mother and the people who are going to take the baby never meet or know anything about each other besides the vague biographical information shared by the go-between. When the baby is born, the teenager says her tearful goodbyes after the birth and the baby is whisked away into a new life, cutting all ties with the past. The arrangements are all done in secret since her pregnancy was not a good thing for her, especially back in the day when “unwed mother” was an insult. Certainly the couple who can’t have their own children are not proud of their infertility.
Often in life we wish we could pretend our preferred reality is real. With adoption, society is complicit in perpetuating alternative reality.
Everyone pretends the adoption never happened and the prevailing belief is that the best course of action is to keep the myth alive. It helps that there is a literal breach between the family of origin and the adoptive family. No one is going to come along to present the truth.
By the way, that story was not my story. The story of the teenage mother is true for many but, It turns out there are very many stories. These stories are the subject of this blog. That teen mom scenario was what I imagined had happened to my mother when I was a child. The reality was far from anything I could have imagined.
In this blog, I will tell you how I found my mother through excerpts of my book, which will be available in series form in Amazon. Besides my life story told in chronological order, there’s much to be said about the myriad aspects of being an unwanted child. And I have a lot of insights from my life as an unwanted child for life. I bet you’d like you know how I navigated this world, including, but not limited to how I found my birth mother. did it. That’s what this blog will be about—what happened and how I felt about what happened.
Adoption Shockers, straight talk about adoption, q&a 